


Karma

by princet_ro



Series: Destiny [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with no happy ending, Body Horror, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mild Blood, Songfic, both are mild there isnt too much, he's bright and happy and then he fades away, ill put what to skip in the notes, like a lot please help him, no beta we die like socially awkward bitches who can't find betas, nobody's supposed to be u!, roman needs hugs, roman's like hair dye in this fic, songfic with the song karma by ajr, thats it thats the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:22:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25638724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princet_ro/pseuds/princet_ro
Summary: I've been so good, I've been helpful and friendly,I've been so good, why am I feeling empty?I've been so good, I've been so good this yearRoman's gotten pretty good at picking up the pieces left behind after an argument.Too bad no one's there to pick up his.
Series: Destiny [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1900783
Comments: 8
Kudos: 24





	Karma

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning List: (if any of these trigger you I wouldn't read this, except maybe if blood, mirrors or injury are a trigger, in which case I'll leave a skip note below)
> 
> Mild Suicidal Thoughts (more along the line of not caring about life or death)  
> Main Character Death  
> Mild Injury (skip for same as the blood warning below)  
> Mild Blood (skip from 'he laughed brokenly' to 'everything was blurry')  
> Mild Body Horror (skip from 'he lurched upright' to 'like a funhouse mirror' for the bad bit, the rest should be pretty fine)  
> Self Depreciation  
> Implied Panic Attack  
> Mirror Shattering (skip from 'he couldn't go out like this' to 'he felt wrong')  
> Angst
> 
> the song: karma by ajr (which is a fucking bop and you should listen to it just saying))
> 
> I did cry writing this and I'm still sad. I'm the one who wrote it what is this sorcery-

_Cause I've been so good, I've been working my ass off  
I've been so good, still, I'm lonely and stressed out  
I've been so good, I've been so good this year_

Roman sat at his desk, papers strewn around him as he blearily worked on his laptop. He had barely noticed the time, four am flashing at him from the corner. Just one more sentence, then he could sleep. When had he last slept? His mind supplied him with the answer. Five days ago. But sleep could wait. The episode outline and starter script had to be finished by the time breakfast came around. He had five hours to do half of it. 

He leaned sideways into the embrace of the person next to him and fell off his chair. It was hard to remember that he was alone. Everyone had been busy working. He leaned out of his doorway and heard Moana blaring through the TV. Right. “Working”.

_And I've been so good, but it's still getting harder  
I've been so good, where the hell is the karma?  
I've been so good, I've been so good this year_

He shoved his chair away and flopped down onto his bed, lying awake and listening to the sounds of the sleepover going on in the commons. Janus and Remus’s voices were heard among the other three, and for a second he thought he even heard Orange pop in. Everyone was there. Except him. Why?

He lurched upright, a little less tired physically but a whole lot more emotionally. He tried for a Princely grin and pose in the mirror.

It looked grotesque. That was his only thought as he stared at what was supposed to be him. He looked tired and malnourished from never coming out of his room. He was a mess. His Prince costume was ruffled and ripped from where he had caught it on the desk. His eyes were hollow and dead. He looked like a zombie.

He couldn’t go out like this. A surge of anger rose inside him. Why couldn’t he just be perfect, just be the Prince that the others saw him as, be brave and strong and attractive and kind and good? He reared back his fist.  
Good.  
Perfect.  
Kind.  
Friendly.  
Prince.

The mirror shattered.

_Time, I know we're out of time  
But what if sad thoughts come and I can't stop it _

He laughed brokenly at the shards. Blood from his fist dripped onto the once-pristine white carpet and the shards reflected his pale, gaunt face like a funhouse mirror.  
Evil Twin.  
Stupid.  
Insufferable.  
Annoying.  
Evil. 

_To give me some diagnosis of why I'm so hollow_

He felt wrong. He tried to speak but his mouth wouldn’t open.

_Please give me instructions, I promise I'll follow_

He couldn’t see. What was happening, why did he feel so light, why did his arms pass through each other, why was the world spinning,

_I tripped on my ankle and fractured my elbow_

He fell over, but the coppery taste of blood never filled his mouth. His ankle throbbed- had he twisted it? Everything was blurry.

_But doesn't that mean that the tour's gonna sell though?_

That would make for a good video idea, right? Roman: Fading away. Oh. Fading. God no. Fuck, this couldn’t be happening to him, he would never get to see the others, he couldn’t die like this Thomas needed him the others needed him hehadtostopeverythingwaswronghedidn’twanttodie-

_I try to explain the good faith that's been wasted  
But after an hour it sounds like complaining_

He thought bitterly about how he had been wallowing in self-pity. That would be the last thing he did. He didn’t even get to say goodbye. Funny, right? Even though he knew they didn’t care, that they were better off without him...it still hurt. And he wanted to be with them still, knew that he would never take them for granted again because if he didn’t fade he would be alive but it would only be a matter of time before it happened anyway. You can’t cheat death, even when you’re a figment of some dude’s imagination.

_Wait don't go away, can I lie here forever?_

It was strangely comforting. He just let it happen. At first it was disorienting, but now he felt like he was going to sleep. A very long sleep. He would never wake up.

_You say that I'm better, why don't I feel better?_

Maybe this was what he deserved. He should have been nicer, he should have been better, he didn’t want this but maybe it was Karma, maybe it was just fate, maybe someone had thought ‘hey, that guy’s been kinda a dick in the past, he can kick the celestial bucket!’. He had apologized for the most out of everyone, he had to swallow his pride nearly every episode, they all seemed to have forgotten that he stood for Thomas’s ego, his pride, so their insults stung worse and worse each time. They left bruises, he was left with his mind in tatters just like his ego, why didn’t anyone get it?

_The universe works in mysterious ways  
But I'm starting to think it ain't working for me_

How come the others got what they wanted. Janus got acceptance, Remus got a family, Virgil got relief from his own terror, Logan was listened to more often, Thomas got to make his own decisions more. He had helped with all of those. Why hadn’t he been helped too? All the fairytale books said that Princes don’t cry, but the only corporeal thing he could feel other than the floor was a tear sliding down his cheek.

It wasn’t fair. He wasn’t some Prince, he was just Roman. Roman the friend, Roman the twin brother, Roman the advisor, Roman the theatre kid, Roman the romantic, Roman in his bedroom...by himself.  
(He remembered hearing Virgil sing Michael In The Bathroom at one of their monthly karaoke nights. He sounded good, but Roman had never really understood the lyrics until now.)

But maybe that was enough.

He picked up a pen and wrote two sentences on a piece of paper, two sentences related to a song that had always resonated with him. He had always found music an easy way to communicate, and they heard him singing it on bad days. The others would figure it out.  
And so he wrote:

_Doctor, should I be good?  
Should I be good this year?_

(A knock on his door. A worried question. Suddenly he didn’t want this anymore, he couldn’t cause them more pain. But it was the last thing he heard.)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry but I'm also really not. Feel free to yell at me on my tumblr, @princet-alifabulousme :))


End file.
